Every year we do something a little different. This time it’s all about you.
I recently finished playing Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars for the SNES, and I have to say that it was a great game. It was certainly not perfect, but I really enjoyed myself. But I didn’t like the ending, and it really didn’t make much sense to me. To make a long story short, I talked about it with some friends, and I got a lot of good advice, and I thought I’d pass it along in a blog entry. I’ve shortened the story, condensed some of the information, and added some new things, so don’t think I’m crazy when you decide to read on.
That’s Not Wrestling #12: The Answer is “NO”, This week on That’s Not Wrestling, I’m going to be talking about one of the most controversial aspects of the Super Bowl, the halftime show. But first, here’s some information, courtesy of Wikipedia: The halftime show of the Super Bowl is a performance by entertainers who perform during the halftime of the annual National Football League (NFL) championship game, which is played in the first half of the fourth quarter. Since the 1970 Super Bowl, the halftime show has been produced by a professional promoter, generally an established rock, pop, R&B, or country music artist.
That Isn’t Wrestling #12: “NO” is the answer
Sports
Thank you for joining me, and welcome! A few years ago, the stars seemed to be aligning for a major change in the world of professional wrestling. Everyone was talking about a huge new company with a television contract and “real, sport-based wrestling.” The contemporary wrestling fan’s existence of “eating crap and learning to enjoy the flavor” has finally come to an end. Wasn’t it? Every Thursday, join me here to dissect the acts of the stupid, dangerous, and desperate in pro wrestling… well, in AEW.
This week, we have time to play a game. Because the clue is in the issue’s title, this isn’t a tough game, but see if you can figure out who’s asking the following questions and what the proper responses should be…
Round One: Introductions
- “Do you mind if I eat a chocolate bar for dinner?”
- “Can I avoid going to bed?”
- “Is it okay if I leap off that thing?”
- “Can I get both an Xbox and a PlayStation for Christmas?”
- “Can I always have my way and never be challenged or given the chance to grow?”
The answer is no, children! Many on the AEW roster, I believe, never heard this term as a child, which may create issues later in life when they meet OTHER PEOPLE and real-world circumstances. Now, I realize that individuals with overbearing parents may recoil and rebel against them as well, but this is usually a phase that they grow out of once they’ve used up all of their independence. The children who were pampered and permitted to shirk responsibilities throughout their formative years are the ones who are creating issues now.
Working for Vince McMahon would be akin to having those overbearing parents I mentioned before, and getting out of his grip and into a world of creative freedom would be wonderful. However, if we apply the same perspective I just stated, individuals should ultimately “get over” their desire to do all the stupid things Vince wouldn’t allow and discover a more balanced approach. However, for those who have made the switch, this does not seem to be the case.
Round 1:
- “Can we have the 10th no-DQ match of the night instead of finding out a method to sneak a weapon shot in under the referee’s back?”
- “Can I strike my opponent 9999 times instead of KOing him with a single, devastating chair shot?”
- “Can I use a fork instead of a chair?”
- “Can we simply use all the weapons we can find for 20 minutes instead?” says one of them.
The answer is no, Jon Moxley! I know you CAN have good wrestling bouts without resorting to stuff that ANYONE can physically accomplish; I’ve seen you do it! Okay, so you met a potted plant called Mitch and began hiding from infections while in WWE, but you can avoid that in AEW and still have fantastic bouts. I disagree with the assertion, but Jim Ross has attempted to win you over by claiming you look a lot like “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. I hadn’t watched much of your pre-WWE work, so I’d agree with JR if we were discussing Dean Ambrose’s last days. But we aren’t talking about that; we’re talking about AEW’s Jon Moxley, who looks more like ECW’s Sandman than anybody else.
If Moxley is really concerned about being caught up in all of AEW’s poor comedy/rehashed Raw bits, I’m sure he could avoid them if he so desired. He doesn’t have to participate in AEW’s journey through the Attitude Era and The Monday Night Wars. Instead of proving to WWE/Vince that he isn’t a joke, he has resorted to stepping back in his career and tinkering with thumbtacks, deathmatches, and non-exploding rings. That’ll teach them a lesson!
Round 2:
- “Can we re-create classic Raw angles and skits with ME as the main character?”
- “Can we use video footage of the audience singing my entrance song to make it appear as if they’re really into it?”
- “Could you add a little extra auto-tune to my voice?”
- “Can you pretend I’m not on the verge of collapsing every time I use my new finisher?”
- “Can I have more alcohol and cakes in my rider?” says the passenger.
The answer is no, Chris Jericho! You’d gone from being a gift to being a burden when you lost the belt and didn’t go on tour with Fozzy last year. Now, I know that some people continue to tune in to see you on a weekly basis, but your conduct will undoubtedly have led many others who were “giving it a chance” to check out. People should have been thinking, “Oh, yeah, it’s Jericho; as a seasoned veteran, let’s see what he’s up to,” but instead they were thinking they were watching that Simpsons episode when Bart had to assist a big, washed-out Krusty the Clown.
The Ayatollah of Cake and Cola had a number of ideas knocked down by Vince McMahon, some of which were perhaps justified. But it isn’t a reason to swing the pendulum so far in the other direction that he believes anything is a wonderful idea simply because no one is there to tell him otherwise. Again, I see why Vince didn’t like all of his ideas, even if some of them weren’t terrible, but simply weren’t Vince’s style. Many have claimed Chris has gone too far with this, and that he enjoys the smell of his own farts, but Jericho counters that his critics are out of touch, and that it’s clear Chris isn’t trying to cling to his youth.
Round 3:
- “Can I work the indies for a summer and have a feud with Nick Aldis, then pass it off as 20 years in the territories?”
- “Can I take a downward chair shot to the top of my head with my hands behind my back, implying that the rest of the roster should do the same?”
- “Can I hire a bunch of my sycophantic pals?”
- “Can I claim we don’t care about WWE anymore, then speak about them and take jabs at them?”
- “Can I gradually embrace my father’s gimmick, or do I have to cosplay it whenever it suits me?”
- “Can I bring my wife so she can watch television?”
- “Can I take my dog into a live stadium where there are shouting people, loud bangs, and other noises?”
The answer is no, Cody Rhodes! You fucking idiot, especially the dog one!
I know, it’s the worst photo I have of Cody, but I think it captures the essence of his character well. He’s even baby-facing MJF here with Brandi Rhodes, AEW’s closest thing to a famous heel! During the post-show press scrum, we all received the typical “Oh, we didn’t know” nonsense, but it wasn’t long until we saw more animals being carried out into the arena. Jake Roberts walked all over a snake in a bag, and Adam Page’s horse didn’t seem too happy. Cody cosplays as the locker-room leader in many areas, but not when it comes to accepting responsibility and setting a positive example. I understand that he isn’t THE top dog behind the scenes.
Bonus Game:
- “Are you saying I’m the greatest wrestler in the planet?”
The answer is no, Kenny Omega! Jim and Jim have previously informed you about this.
Round 4:
- “Can I, too, leap off all of that things to keep up with the young ‘ens?”
- “Can I play as all 10 of my personalities in the same game?”
- “Will my toy drone be able to cut a commercial?”
- “Can I bring my crazy wife?”
The answer is no, Matt Hardy. That final one is a no-no! For years, I’ve told you how much I’ve admired you and how you’ve always been my favorite Hardy Boy. There must have been something there since #MyStupidExHuman only has two tattoos, one of which is the V1 logo. It’s just a pity Chris Jericho seems to have enticed you over in the same manner as the promise of big checks and no restrictions or limitations enticed individuals to WCW in its latter days.
To be fair to him, I’ve seen less of him in the ring in recent months and more of him in management roles… regardless of the quality of his performances. I had hoped that his near-injury on the concrete floor would have jolted him awake sooner, but he continued to wrestle and do strange things for quite some time. He also just put up a nice match on AEW Dynamite with Christian Cage, but it was ten years too late, and a contemporary rivalry between them provides nothing. Matt like to keep things simple, particularly in the ring, but he has the chance to finish his career by helping others improve their skill and winning over the fans.
Round 5:
- “Can we overlook a few of the regulations that distinguish tag team matches from singles and tornado-tag bouts?”
- “Can we get our own personal referee to work our games so they can attempt to conceal it when we break the rest of the rules?”
- “Can we imagine all out bouts are like Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels, with 9999 kick-outs?”
- “Could you just give us 10 finishing moves?”
- “Can we act like we’re the greatest tag team in the world even if FTR is on our roster and we’re simply The Hardy Soyz?”
- Uncle Dave, can we have another seven-star overview?
The answer is no, Young Bucks! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: you can’t expect to be able to accomplish everything all of the time. You two are the biggest offenders when it comes to having a checklist of moves/spots to get into every battle and then speeding through them like kids at a dress rehearsal. Not only do you dilute your own stuff by doing this 99.9% of the time, but the list of great maneuvers isn’t just in your hands; it’s followed by almost everyone else on the roster as well!
For the time being, the fans may applaud, but I believe they will eventually want to know what happens when they leap the shark. When the rest of the tag team and single competitors are accomplishing the same things as The Bucks, the audience’s focus will ultimately move to someone who can do all they do and more!
Round of the Boss:
- “Can you give me some more money so I can purchase another playset company and manage it poorly?”
- “Can we simply put everyone into AEW now and bypass the entire background/history/personality check?”
- “Can we just pretend it’s not an issue that Japan won’t allow him back in?”
- “Can you give me any more of that?”
The answer is no, Tony Khan. Vince McMahon has been doing it for a long time. He’s in his eighties and yet seems to be in greater condition than you; you’ve just been doing this for two years! What you’re doing right now isn’t producing the intended results, and based on your current condition, I believe things need to change. I guess hitting the one-million-viewer milestone now and then is fine, but you could (and should) be doing a lot better by now. If reaching to this stage on your own has taken this much time and effort, I believe it is time to take a step back and/or seek assistance.
This, in my view, is the major issue. If Tony is going to play owner and booker, he has to be the one to tell people “no” when they have a bad idea or go too far with a good one. If he hasn’t heard the term before, he isn’t acquainted with the language or even the idea.
Others may have worked out that there would never be any opposition since “our buddy Tony’s dad lets him do anything he wants at his home, and they’re loaded, so we go ’round there to do whatever we want.” This should, at the very least, come to a halt for the purpose of avoiding harm.
People are being harmed nearly every week for the most inexcusable of reasons. So, if AEW can’t grasp the notion of holding back or dismissing a poor idea, at the very least inform newcomers in the ring that they can’t attempt to keep up with everyone else… before someone ends up in a wheelchair or a wooden box. This is a catastrophe waiting to happen.
That does it for this week. Thanks for stopping by. Don’t forget to check out the Putting It Bluntly: AEW Double or Nothing & WWE Money in the Bank overviews on my YouTube channel. I’ll see you again Monday for #AnotherWeekOfWrestling and next Thursday for more #ThatsNotWrestling!
Rachael Hope created the background artwork.
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